I fell for you
by HiddenMasterpiece
Summary: Crowley has been struggling with a very special order, just like with every command, for quite a long time. However always had kept quiet. When history dares to repeat itself, summoning something worse than Armageddon could have ever been, he needs to break his silence. With this he seals his fate but hopes to save Aziraphale. However, nobody could have expected the real outcome.
1. Ineffable

Mankind has been searching for their true origin for thousands of years. As time went by, they have found multiple, often contrary, sometimes very abstract, barely scientific answers.

Their arrogant desire to be right has often pushed them to the extreme. Wars were fought. Heads rolled for the knowledge they held. However, they have never found the real answer to this question.

Nowadays, the numerous, radical positions have been limited to a few, more or less plausible theories. Still none of them is right.

If humanity knew what their origin was, they'd probably would feel pretty upset about their actual insignificance.

The Christian or evangelic church was pretty close with their assumption, that mankind was created by god in the garden of Eden. Despite the parts that actually scream fairytale and a few wrong few dates, they weren't so wrong with their imaginations.

Nevertheless, their inherited divine ego, caused them to boldly assume their only purpose was to be the reflection of God. How wrong they are. If they were as omniscient as their creator, they would know their true place. An experiment. They were part of a huge trial and error game. All these theories were based on little jokes, the savoir herself had created for confusing them.

Of course, them taking it to another level by starting wars about it hadn't been her intention. Despite she quite enjoyed watching them freaking out over a new pair of dinosaur bones.

Only a few selected souls were aware of the fact, that the universe like we know it now isn't the first and probably also not the last one that was created by her as an experiment. The question was: what was she researching on? This like all divine plans is and always will be… Ineffable.

Crowley could tell stories from the past, even though he preferred to avoid certain parts of his history. The last six-thousand years had been very pleasant, expect for the 14th century. If he had made his enjoyment of an epoch dependent on Aziraphale's presence, he would have had to go further back in time. Much further. Surprisingly only him. His boyfriend's memory started at their first encounter on top of the wall, which had surrounded the garden of Eden.

However, the demon carried around the weight of knowledge of thousands of years earlier. Probably that was the reason why his heart always felt so heavy, when he wasn't with his angel.

Today was one of these days when the spirits of the past didn't let him rest. Instead he had been starring out of the window for quite a long time now.

The city of London was captured in a heavy rainstorm, but all the raindrops could never wash away the filth the demon sensed within all those perfect, similar house facades, glass panes and garden walls. Humanity indulged in mortal sins, usually much to his entertainment. This night he couldn't mock them, couldn't identify with them. All he could do was stare out of the window, counting the raindrops that fell… and shattered on the ground…

Falling… Something he was very familiar with.

London never slept. There were always lights shining behind the windows of the skyscrapers and houses. Their huge, yellow cat-like eyes seemed to stare back at him tonight. Directly into his soul. If he had one.

A soft sigh escaped his lips, while he leant back in his throne, still holding eye contact with the beast called London town. Anyone else would have found this sight beautiful or peaceful, possibly somewhat melancholic.

Despite Crowley. It stirred up memories as if a stone had been thrown into a water basin, the waves showered him with memories. Just like him centuries ago, his mind started to vaguely saunter downwards, back to his roots. Before he could drown in those nostalgic, yet suffocating thoughts, a familiar voice ripped him out of his trance.

"Crowley, my dear? Why are you still awake?" his boyfriend asked, in a soft, but clearly concerned voice. "Yes, just wallowing in mankind's depravity." He replied, trying to sound as normal as possible. Nevertheless, his angel knew him well enough, to hear out the raspy, sorrowful undertone of his words. "I have known you long enough; I can tell when there's something on your mind my dear." Aziraphale reminded him, in an instructive, but worried tone.

The demon couldn't help it and mimicked the first part of his sentence sarcastically. "I'Ve KnOwN yOu lOnG eNoUgH." However, he stopped mocking, when he realized that his partner simply cared for him. A soft sigh, that sounded more like a hiss escaped his lips. "It's nothing. Forget about it, go back to sleep." His voice changed from a commanding to more of a beg.

"Oh dear, you know I don't have to sleep. I mostly do it, because you enjoy it. And I can be close to you." Aziraphale replied softly, slowly approaching the chair. The silence between them, was filled with a heavy tension, that almost caused the kind soul to feel sick in the stomach. "So… Can I be close to you?" he asked shyly.

After all those years, he still didn't want to upset his lover with his clinginess. Right now, he had rather asked because he had the feeling, that his partner could use some comfort, even though he'd never ask for it openly. "Yes, of course my angel." The demon replied, without hesitation or even an annoyed sigh, proving his suspicion to the blonde. Quickly, before he could change his mind, he walked up to him, offering him his hand as a sign of support.

However, Crowley didn't feel like only handholding was enough right now. Instead he pulled his love down onto his lap, before could have complaint about himself being to heavy. A surprised, but utterly adorable squeak slipped from his lips, followed by an annoyed sigh. "Don't do that! You know I am always scared! Also are you sure I am not to- " the angel started to protest, but the ginger shut him up with a soft, loving kiss. "Shut it." He whispered against his lips, while enjoying their sweet, intoxicating taste of vanilla and cocoa. Fortunately. Aziraphale didn't contradict him, instead melted into their kiss, holding onto his shirt softly… He was so adorable.

After they had broken the connection of their lips, causing the tingling sensation to stop rushing through their nerves, the blonde cuddled closer to him. Protectively he wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close to his chest. His boyfriend's fingers drew patterns onto his chest lovingly, it tickled a little through the fabric of his shirt, eliciting a light smile. "There it is." His angel triumphed quietly. Crowley couldn't help it but role with his eyes, still keeping up the smile though. "Don't get used to it." He teased, but then stared back out of the window. "I would never dare such a thing, you're a demon after all." Aziraphale answered sarcastically, however his smile vanished quickly, when he noticed the sadness in his lover's eyes.

Usually, his yellow orbs were filled with an unshakable self-confidence, the ferocity of purgatory and boundless love, only for his angel. Now these strong emotions were covered up by a veil of melancholy. Not the good one. A dull mist laid over his iris, as if the purgatory behind it had been extinguished by the crushing weight of dark memories. Aziraphale felt a stinging pain in his heart, he had never seen him like this before. Not even when he had been convinced, he had died in the flames of the book shop, his expression had appeared so lost.

"Dear, what's wrong?" he asked more sternly now, sitting up a little. "You know I hate it, when you lie to me." He added, as a thread since usually he was upset for weeks if his lover lied to him. "Did you have nightmares again?" he suspected even more worried than before, also felt guilty again immediately.

From time to time his boyfriend woke up in the middle of the night, bathed in sweat, reaching out for him in pure despair and panic. Then Aziraphale knew he had dreamt off the book shop fire again…

"Nothing." Crowley replied, his eyes widening, when he heard his assumption "No! No! Not the nightmares." He reassured him, so he wouldn't have a bad conscience again.

"What else?" his boyfriend burst out, feeling sorry for his offended tone immediately. His brown orbs were filled with so much worry, also love, unconditional love. A soft sigh slipped from his lips. He wanted to tell him. However, his tongue felt like it was tied to his palate. Paralyzed. He chocked on his words. The more he tried to get them out, the more they stung his throat. All of sudden he felt like as if he had swallowed nails. So, his boyfriend wouldn't notice, he cleared his throat, but the tight feeling in his chest didn't vanish. A gallows rope around the neck couldn't feel any worse. Actually, that was exactly what it felt like…

He had been close to spilling a forbidden secret. Not forbidden by anyone, but by the highest authority herself. God. Why did he, a demon, follow the orders of god? Usually, he never did, but this was the one and only expectation. The only connection he had left to heaven, expect for his soon to be husband. Those memories…

"Crowley, please answer me!" Aziraphale begged, sounding slightly panicked already. "L… Like I said, it's nothing." He mumbled, trying to prevent his voice from cracking. "You're lying to me." The blonde snapped, getting up from his lap, almost tripping over his own legs. "Why are you keeping secrets? I thought we trust each other with our lives?" he asked, the hurt was obvious in his shivering voice. Tears were dwelling up in the corners of his eyes. "Why can't you tell me?" he asked again, close to sobbing.

Sometimes Crowley couldn't stand his overly emotional side, especially not now. "I… I trust you with… stop accusing me off… I CAN'T TELL YOU OKAY?!" he yelled frustratedly, getting out of the chair as well. The sudden cry had made Aziraphale wince, even take a step back.

His boyfriend had never yelled at him before. Now he couldn't prevent a few tears from falling. "Al…Alright. No… need to yell." The angel sobbed, trying to keep a straight face, but failed terribly. Slowly he turned around, leaving him alone with his misery.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" the demon cursed, turning around, hammering with his fist against the wall beside the window. His heartbeat was racing, while the scared face of his lover lingered in front his eyes constantly. Right now, he couldn't bear his own reflection in the window, so he leant his forehead against the cold glass. His breath was fogging the window, while its coolness calmed him down a little. "Damn it… I… I wish I could tell him… After all these centuries, it's still such a burden…" he talked to himself, as if someone else would give him a proper reply. Instead the leaden silence crashed down onto him even harder.

His thoughts wandered back to his lover, who surely was crying right now. Somehow, he was frozen in place. He couldn't follow him and comfort him. No, he was paralyzed. "Fuck you God. You hear me? Just fuck you." He hissed enraged. As a reply a thunder echoed outside, the lightning forced the serpent to look away from the window. However, he wasn't scared, simply more pissed off. "Save the show, I get who the little demon is and who the divine being is. All right, all right." He growled, while turning his back on the window.

After a few deep breaths he felt calm enough to talk to Aziraphale. His steps were hesitant, when he approached the bedroom. Green orbs scanned through the darkness, until they spotted the curled-up silhouette under the sheets. He was still shivering a little, but luckily not crying anymore. Slowly Crowley approached the bed, sitting down beside him, but keeping some distance for giving him the opportunity of sending him out. Silence ruled for a few moments. Then he sighed, placing a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder "Aziraphale…" he started, in an apologizing tone.

The angel moved his hand away carefully. "Why do you await from me to always accept you keeping secrets?" he asked him, before the demon could start apologizing. That question made him wince, worsening his bad conscience. His guts cringed tighter. "I… I don't… At least not on purpose." he tried to defend himself weakly. "Then tell me. Reveal it to me, that big secret that haunts you since… since we know each other?" Aziraphale demanded strictly. He sighed once again. "I… I can't." he leant in and caressed over his back again. "But… Please believe me, it has nothing to do with you." He added, hoping to sooth him a little. "No? Then why can't you tell me? Is it about someone else? Someone you've been with before?" he asked, sounding rather scared, also close to crying once again. "No… No… Azira… please." Crowley immediately denied that.

Before his lover could continue talking, he simply pulled him into a tight hug. "It's not connected to us in the slightest." He promised him softly. "It's about the past. We live in the present. Sometimes these things haunt me. But I don't want you to get involved in that." He explained as vaguely as possible.

"Maybe I don't want the love of my immortal life to be tortured by those thoughts?" his boyfriend replied, while hiding his face in his chest. Once again, he held onto his shirt, as if he was scared of him falling to ashes any second. "I… I know my angel. Don't worry about it too much. I promise you I am not suffering. I have you… How could I be in pain, while you're with me?" he asked with a sad smile upon his lips.

"I can't. You're with me… my personal savior."


	2. A cup of coffee

They didn't speak about that incident anymore. Fortunately, Aziraphale had never been vindictive. Nevertheless, Crowley had learnt his lesson.

Whenever, his thoughts wandered off to these dark places he withdrew under a plausible pretext. Every time he returned home; he had come to a different solution about the question if he'd ever be able to forget the past.

Sometimes he let himself be tempted to human naivety, then he actually believed the kitschy saying: "Time heals all wounds.". Ironically since a mortal life only felt like the blink of an eye for him. So how should they heal their wounds with time if their time was limited so rapidly? Perhaps, they simply didn't experience so much pain as an immortal? Or the time of healing was proportional to the lifespan? So, it took him millennia to overcome a tragedy, while people only needed decades? He didn't know.

On other days he was convinced, that this would haunt him forever.

However, most of the time he returned home without having any solution, just longing to be close to his partner again. The best remedy for him.

Today was one of these days.

He threw the keys of his beloved Bentley, which sincerely had played "Bohemian Rhapsody" the entire ride home, what a macabre humor his black beauty had, into the bowl beside the door. "Angel, I am home." He called out for his boyfriend, awaiting to be greeted in the usual way with a kiss to the cheek and tons of questions about his trip.

"We are in the living room my dear." Aziraphale's happy voice echoed through the hallway. We? The demon thought surprised but assumed one of his partner's many acquaintances had paid them a visit. Even though he wasn't in the mood for small talk he knew his lover wanted him to join them. "Who gives us the honor?" he asked, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "Oh, one of your old friends. Come here and greet him my dear. He said his name was Samael." His boyfriend replied in a carefree manner.

All of sudden the blood froze in Crowley's veins. His heart missed a beat. Immediately his eyes widened in shock. He nearly had gasped for air, his throat tightened. A heatwave, like thousand hot nails digging into his spine washed through him. The blood rushed from his head, into his legs, just like his heart sank. "My dear? Where are you? I am sure your hair looks fine, we are waiting." Aziraphale tried to cover up his impoliteness, sounding slightly nervous.

Aziraphale… was in there… with him… was the next thought that shoot through Crowley's head. Finally, his paralysis vanished, emerging into pure panic. He rushed to the living room, he had to see this with his own eyes. Also make sure his angel was alright… To his surprise he couldn't sense their guest's aura. Another reason to worry.

In seconds, which felt like years, he stumbled into the living room. He nearly tripped over the doorframe, but managed to hold onto it, trying to cover up his panic. Unfortunately, he was out of breath, sweaty and as pale as a shroud. "Crowley my dear, what's wrong? Are you alright?" his boyfriend asked quite worried, getting up from his chair to support him. "Y…Yeah." He stuttered out, forcing himself to smile.

Once again, he was grateful for his sunglasses, they hid the fact, that he was starring at their visitor in pure horror. He sat on the couch. How could he dare to sit here? Having tea with an Archangel! His Aziraphale! This situation couldn't have been more surreal. However, this was the harsh reality.

"Crawley! Oh, pardon me, Crowley, it's been such a long time!" their guest greeted him, with a wide, prominent smile. The voice rang in his ears, awaking all those memories. Those terrible, yet so melancholic pictures in his mind arose.

His words were captured in his throat, he was tongue tied. A very rare occurrence. "Sit down! We have so much to talk about! I heard you stopped the Armageddon?" his "friend" invited him, petting on the spot on the couch beside him. Crowley's movements were spiky, almost remote controlled. Nevertheless, he sat down beside him quickly. Finally, he managed to put on a smile, so his boyfriend wouldn't get distrustful. Or even worse worried. "Y…Yes we dealt with the apocalypse. Not a big deal." He confirmed the story, even though he tried to sound laid-back, there was an undertone of insecurity.

"Not a big deal? You saved the world, turned against your sides, and even managed to get out of your trial! That's incredible!" Samael contradicted his eyes sparkled with excitement. His voice had sounded fascinated however Crowley could read in those amber, cat-like eyes, that this man was secretly mocking him. Just like his appearance, he seemed to be perfect, naturally demanding respect from the people around him. "Well, we had a bit help by a witch, the kids from the block, a nerd, the usual cliché, you know?" he replied, trying to play it off.

Samael's laughter was deep, contagious and came straight out of his stomach, causing Aziraphale to join him. Only Crowley sat there in silence, wishing his alarm clock would rip him out of this nightmare at any second. "Oh, you and your cynicism." The other demon chuckled, patting his shoulder. On the outside just a friendly gesture, but Crowley could feel his hand directly hitting the spots were his wings were hidden. A warning. An assert of dominance. It caused him goosebumps. Another wave of cold sweat crashed down over his head. This situation needed to change.

"Aziraphale, my angel, could you get me a cup off coffee?" he asked his boyfriend, for having a minute alone with the other man. "Of course, my dear." His lover agreed immediately, finally convinced that his boyfriend wouldn't sneak out of the situation anymore. Quickly he got up, flashing them a soft smile "Anything else I can bring you? Another cup?" he asked, holding his hand out for Samael's nearly empty mug. "Yes please. No sugar. No milk." The raven-haired man agreed, with a prominent smile upon his lips. "Alright. Give me a moment." The blonde begged, while leaving the room. Finally, they were alone.

The nervous tension inside of Crowley's body, gave him the feeling of bursting into pieces at any second. A little touch probably would have been enough to make him shatter. However, his serpent instincts out weighted that irrational fear, causing him to shoot forward like a snake. He pinned the uninvited guest to the couch, nails digging into the black fabric of his shirt-collar. "Why are you here in my houssse?!" he hissed angrily into his face, as if his words were poisonous. "Tse, Tse is that a way to greet your oldest friend?" Samael scolded him with a cocky grin upon his face. He didn't feel threatened at all. "We are not friendsss." Crowley spat back, pushing him harder against the couch. "Why? Because of that thing a few millennials ago? You're so vindictive." The demon asked, minimizing the damage he had actually done to their lives.

"You're not the one to talk about vindictiveness." The viper scoffed, still not letting him go. "So, answer the question or is that just a macabre joke of hell?" he growled, he couldn't stand handsome face. Those perfectly plugged eyebrows, raised in a skeptical frown, while is amber eyes were laughing at him, underlined by those full lips that grimaced an arrogant smile, framed by prominent cheek bones and curly black hair. "Am I not allowed to visit my longest friend?" his counterpart asked in an exaggerated sulking tone, which brought him further to the white-hot heat. "We. Are. Not. Friends." Crowley repeated, pronouncing every word exaggeratedly disgusted. "Is that so?" Samael asked with a dangerous undertone, raising an eyebrow in disapproval. "Yes. No doubt there." The ginger insisted, not scared off him. Not anymore.

"Then maybe I should change my behavior a bit." Samael decided. Suddenly the tide turned. Crowley was the one being pinned against the couch in seconds. A surprised gasp left his lips, followed by curse. His fingernails dug into the other one's hands, which were wrapped around his throat. Fortunately, he didn't have to breath. Nevertheless, he struggled against his hold, like a bug under a shoe. His knuckles already turned white by the force he rammed his nails into the other's flesh. "s…Stop it." He gasped out hoarsely. "Why? We aren't friend and you attacked me first" the demon hissed back, lashing him with his own words. Sadism glowed in his eyes, like freshly lit purgatory. "Lu-Lucifer! S…stop!" Crowley demanded, using the intruder's real name in order to emphasize his words. The man's face lit up, when he heard his name. "You're either extremely careless or brave, calling me by my real name even though your clueless little angel is next door. Just like in the old days, isn't it?" he mocked him, finally his grip loosened around his throat.

Yes… Just like in the old days. Crowley felt the lump in his throat thickening, even though he didn't get choked anymore. Still held in that humiliating position, but at least able to reply, he pressed out. "Both. Stop messing around. What do you want?" he asked once again, this time a lot more submissive than before. By now, his rage had died down, instead had turned into pure fear and anxiety. "That's better, but not what I wanted to hear." Lucifer purred back gloating, and also commanding. Crowley felt his resistance give in, like a match broken between two fingers. Immediately his usual self-confidence shrunk. Almost automatically he fell back into old patterns of behavior. Once learned you can never unlearn it. "What brings you here Sir?" the words slipped over his lips like shards of glass, leaving a bitter taste behind.

"That's what I wanted to hear. Good boy." His former boss praised him, letting him get up as a reward. As if nothing had ever happened, he leant back against the cold, black leather sofa. He watched the other one caressing over his hurting neck with pure enjoyment. "I will grant you the satisfaction of receiving an answer." He purred, sounded like a saint, while actually speaking with the tongue of the devil himself. "I am here Crowley, because we need your help." He revealed to him; a scary glow hidden behind his orange orbs. "Me? No. No. No. Not this bullshit again. CrOwLeY wE NeEd YoU. CrOwLeY fAlLiNg iSn'T tHaT bAd. We CaN wIn ThIs." He quoted the past, mimicking his former comrade in a very sarcastic way. Even his face was screwed in pure disgust. "Forget it. I have left hell and heaven behind." He denied his beg with a throw-away movement.

"What a pity, we thought we could count on our longtime friend." Lucifer sounded upset, using the term friend on purpose, for ripping open old wounds. Soon he'd change his mind. "Well, it's not like it's a complete surprise. I mean you've already been bitching when we first tried to take over heaven and the world. So why should you simply cooperate now?" he added in a rather bored tone. All this drama always had to repeat itself. "Shut it! Don't you know how easily these words could seal our fate?" Crowley hissed, looking around cautiously. "HA! Since when is the great Crawley so scared of the divine power?" Lucifer mocked him, clearly amused. "Oh, I know why… Because you're not worried about your own well-being." He assumed, actually hitting the bull's eye with that guess. However, the ginger could never show that to him. Unfortunately, Lucifer had never needed a proof for his words. "You're worried about your Archangel. Oh Crowley, Crowley, Crawley… You're always repeating your mistakes, aren't you?" he scolded him like a little boy, while crossing his legs.

Crowley set there as if a lighting had stroke him. Busted. His throat grew even more dry, while he tried to find a proper excuse for his behavior. Deep down he knew there wasn't one. He was the mouse this time, being tortured by the sadistic cat's games. "I will not help you." He repeated even stricter than before. "So, you're willing to risk your angel's life this time?" Lucifer answered slightly surprised. "Leave. Him. Alone. He has nothing to do with us, our past or future. Leave us alone." His old friend demanded, the shivering of his voice and the cold sweat on his skin clarified that he was actually shaking in fear on the inside. "You have been part of our past and you will be part of our future." Lucifer contradicted firmly, his eyes shooting him a threatening glare. "And if you don't want your angel to go down in flames, I would cooperate if I was you." He threatened openly now.

"You wouldn't dare!" the redhead hissed angrily. "You can neither kill me with holy water nor him with purgatory. We proved that in our trials." He tried to full the devil in front of him. "Pah. Changing bodies. Cheapest trick in the world. Be glad the leadership of heaven and hell are that dumb." Lucifer crashed his fraud with a few words. "You will need something better than that to make me leave you alone. Come on, I know you can do better. You're a demon after all." He encouraged him, even though any other contradiction would have pointless. By now he already had him with his back against the wall.

A long sigh left Crowley's lips. A sign of defeat. That bastard. He crossed his hands in front of his belly, for preventing them from shivering. On the outside he looked calm, but if Lucifer could have seen his eyes, he'd have spotted immense terror immediately. "What do you want this time? I can't bring you the flaming sword, we don't have it." He asked annoyed, actually only covering up his anxiety. "I know. I know. We want something rather simple from you. Start your job again. But this time work for real. If our plans should be a success, we need to corrupt humanity even more." He announced, causing Crowley to wince slightly. "For real? Can't you do that yourself? I mean you're Satan, this should be so easy for you. Where's your aura by the way?" he asked him, kind of curious. "I have taken this human form, so your little pet-bird won't notice anything. It suppresses my aura. Also, no I can't corrupt mankind myself. God would get distrustful right away." Lucifer denied his beg.

"And what is the sense of all of this?" Crowley asked, silently praying to the seven princes of hell, that they weren't the same motives as the first time. "The same as in the past. Omega has never ended." His former boss confirmed his biggest fear. "And what do you think you will get out of thisss?" Crowley hissed at him annoyed. "Our great triumph. Our victory over God and her terror regime." The devil announced heroically. "So, are you in or will both of your heads roll like the dices over Eden's fate?" he added in a tone, that clearly ruled out a "no" as answer. "I… I am in." the other one pressed out behind gritted teeth. "Perfect. Then pick up your job again. You've had a way too long vacation." Lucifer ordered, patting his shoulders once again, nearly causing the froze in fear and disbelief Crowley to fall from the couch. "So, my work is done here. I will call if I need anything else." He informed him, while getting up. "Also, by the way you've grown careless. You should have noticed by now that I stopped time once that retarded pigeon had left the room. What a dangerous detail to oversee. See you soon Crawley." His words lashed him like whip one more time before he disappeared.

The smell of Sulphur hung in the air and there was a burning mark on the wooden floor, where Crowley's biggest nightmare just had disappeared. Finally, the huge, wooden clock behind him began to tick again. Just like the demon in front of it. With an emotionless, kind of lost expression he sat there, starring at the floor. This had to be a nightmare. How could this all restart? He thought, while trying not to vomit. His entire biological system was crashing due to the overstimulation of his emotions. He couldn't do that… he couldn't….

"Oh, did our guest already leave? What about his coffee?" Aziraphale's surprised voice, ripped him out of his thoughts. He had too… he had to do it for his boyfriend. "He got a call. Hell is busy place." He replied after a few seconds of awkward silence. "Did he at least tell you why he visited? It's kind of impolite to just appear in someone's living room." The angel moralized, still sounding a bit upset about that impoliteness.

Damn. What should he tell him? Crowley's mind was racing. He reached out for his cup, to try to buy himself some time. Unfortunately, his hand was shivering. "Nothing… Just checking up. He's a demon, you know we never bother with doors." He lied to him, not bearing to look him straight into the eyes while doing so. "Yes, that's so impolite." Aziraphale complained, while sitting down beside him on the couch. "Are you alright my dear? You've been acting a bit strange since you've come home." He asked worriedly, reaching out to take his hand in his. Crowley felt terrible. He didn't deserve his care, his sweetness. As casually as possible he freed his hand "Yes. I am fine. Just tired." He lied once again, feeling his guts cringe, as if a blade had stabbed him. "Oh, alright. Maybe you should try to rest then my dear?" the blonde advised him with a soft smile. "Yes! Yes! That's a brilliant idea!" the demon agreed, that would give him enough time to plan his further actions.

"Want me to join you? For cuddles?" Aziraphale offered, causing him to freeze in the doorway once more. His heart bleed with ever of his words "No. It's fine." He denied his offer; he usually never did. Afterwards he disappeared into the bedroom, before the weight of his guilt would make him crash down…

This had to be a nightmare… all of this…


	3. Some things

p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="7b078d80e80a827c38852773dd228e2a"Of course, Crowley couldn't fall asleep. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Whenever he closed his eyes imagines of the past forced their way into his mind. Torture in the tower of London probably was more enjoyable than dealing with his bad conscience and his anxiety at the same time. He felt broken. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /The worst fear in his entire life had come true this style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Lucifer... Fucking Lucifer had sat in his living room for drinking tea with his boyfriend. His clueless, sweet, naively careless angel. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Sometimes he wished his influence on Aziraphale was stronger. Instead, it had always been the other way around. Then he wouldn't welcome anyone, who rang their doorbell, into their home. Damn it. After all they went through in the last months, he should act more carefully. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Another sigh slipped past his lips while he turned around for the felt thousands time. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Now he was staring at the black ceiling. He had always loved the darkness. The soothing effect it had on him, whenever it wrapped around him like a protective blanket made of style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Contrary to many opinions the dark wasn't frightening, rather protective. It hid the terrible contents of life, which instilled fear into one. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /A few centuries ago he had even lost that comfort. Demons could see in the dark. So, now the only consolation and protection he felt was when he was close to his angel. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Aziraphale. The thought stung in his chest like a dagger splitting his ribs. Once again, his lover was in danger. Only because he had been, no... because he WAS such a style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /He hadn't realized his nails were digging into the satin sheets, until his knuckles cramped. The sheets were close to giving out, like his style="box-sizing: border-box;" /After a deep breath he managed to relax a bit. Even so, his heartbeat was still going more than 200 mph. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Luckily, he couldn't die from a cardiac infarct. Somehow, he was pretty sure he had already suffered under a few during his immortal existence. No, then his right arm would have hurt. Would it? He wasn't sure. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /The human body was still a miracle to him. It worked, but the mortality rate was very high, the whole construct seemed unstable. Even an office chair could destroy it by sitting in it for too style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Back to the important things. His new job... This thought already left a very bitter taste upon his lips causing him to screw his style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Corrupting humanity even more? They were already doing that themselves without any doubt. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /So why did Lucifer have to drag him into Omega once again. In the end it was only a question of time until the dark forces won anyway. Probably pure sadism. The hardest part for him wouldn't be the work, rather hiding it from Aziraphale. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /After Armageddon they both had promised each other to stay on "our side". So, none of them was working for their principalities anymore. At least not actively. Sometimes they couldn't resist, committing a good deed or a temptation here and there. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /If he returned to the service of hell, he would break their promise. If he kept it secret, he'd break another promise: "We don't lie to each other". Still, if he didn't obey, they'd both be in great danger. Especially his lover would be... "Argh, damn it... This is hopeless." He groaned in frustration. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /There was no way around it. He needed picking up his old job again. Otherwise, they both wouldn't have time to argue over broken promises, since they'd be facing the wrath of hell. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Faith was a sarcastic bitch. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /They were the ones, who had stopped the end of the world. Compared to Omega the antichrist-mystery had been an occupational therapy for heaven and hell. Omega like the name already claimed played in a much higher league. A divine league. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Sometimes he wondered if the whole Antichrist fiasco had been another try to lead Omega to a success. Or a distraction maneuvers, to prepare everything else in peace. Both would have meant the end of this universe. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /God had never involved herself, so Satan or better said Lucifer hadn't gotten his hands dirty as well. That was the subtle but serious difference between the two projects. The involvement of the two supreme powers on each style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Lucifer had always desired to face God. Overthrow the savior himself. Taking his place after the great defeat of heaven. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Crowley knew the devil well enough to acknowledge his undying ambition. Not to mention his willingness to destroy everything around him in the name of his victory. He had always been like this. Some things never change. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /If the apocalypse had taken place, the great war would have happened. After the victory of one side God would descend from her high horse and press the restart button. Inserted a new coin. So, this sick, twisted game could go on... and on... and repeat itself. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /New humans, new demons, new angels, new world... new souls... new wars... Over and over... Repeating itself eternally in eternity. The same bullshit, different timebr style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /In the distance the muffled footsteps of his boyfriend reached his ears. The steady rhythm calmed him down. As long as he could hear them, he knew Aziraphale was close to him. Safe. The storm inside of his mind eased, while he focused on the patting sound of the laminate yielding under his feet. The rest of the apartment was wrapped in crushing silence. Usually, he referred to it as peaceful. Once Lucifer had set a foot over the doorstep, all peace had been style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Now he felt threatened in his own four walls. Just like in the old style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Some things never change...br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /The sudden knock on the door made the angry sigh choke him for a second. He had been so lost in his thoughts; he hadn't noticed Aziraphale had approached the bedroom. Damn it. Lucifer had been right... His guard was at an all time low. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"Crowley, my dear, are you awake?" the soft but clearly insecure voice of his boyfriend asked through the closed door. If Crowley didn't reply now, he would get suspicious, if he wasn't already. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /So, he cleared his throat, trying to sound sleepy. "Y...Yes. What's wrong, angel?" A few seconds of silence followed, he could imagine him in front of the door mentally forming sentences, that wouldn't imply he was worried. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"N...Nothing or is something wrong?" his lover's voice answered; a glimpse of hope hidden in that simple question. The denial from earlier, still stung in his back, as if his feather had been plugged. Slowly the door opened, allowing a narrow beam of light to scamper through the style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /A great metaphor for their relationship. The beam of light didn't rip the darkness. They rather respected each other. Simply because they had understood, that one couldn't resist without the other. The scary, gloomy aura of the darkness was enlightened by the few rays of light while the blinding, pure bright was dimmed by the dark. A symbiosis. Aziraphale adored that style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Today it felt like their natural balance had tilted to the dark side. Even though he looked calm on the outside, his entire body was tensed. The answer took his demonic boyfriend far too long. "Crow-" he started, but was cut off by a rather pissed off style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"Stop that! Don't treat me like a child in a confessional! If there was something wrong, I would tell you already. Stop accusing me of not trusting you enough! I know you don't say it, however deep down you're still holding onto that accusation." Crowley snapped at him; in a way he hadn't done it for centuries. Right now, he was so relieved the door was closed. If he had looked into his love's eyes right now, he probably would have shattered into pieces right in front of him. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"C...Cro... I..." Aziraphale replied, his voice was stuttering, clearly from holding in a sob. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /All of sudden, it changed. "Well maybe I do!" he spoke up, his words soaked with anger. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /The door ripped open, with an unexpected force. The light of the hallway flooded the room illuminating the angel's silhouette. Even his posture looked aggressive a very rare sight. "You're right! I doubt your trust towards me! Otherwise you would finally tell me, what's haunting you for centuries!" he yelled at him, his brown eyes glowing like hot style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"You're insane, if you believe I haven't noticed the changes in your behavior! I am not only speaking off the incident in the living room. Every year there's that one day... the day you either vanish or behave completely different. Captured in thoughts... cold... depressed... Crowley... I... I can't..." his confidence snapped like a match between one's fingers. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /The purgatory in his orbs was extinguished by dwelling up tears. His shoulders slumped as he returned his face to the ground. "I am sorry..." he style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /The demon had sat up in the meantime. Probably so these sentences could lash his back better. That's what they felt like, whip lashes. He deserved them. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Completely frozen in place, he stared at his boyfriend. Of course, he had noticed... All these centuries he had noticed... This time the lump in his throat wasn't caused by a promise from the past. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Right now, guilt strangled him. He wished, he could have gotten up, hugged him, told him the truth... His limbs didn't obey. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"Aziraphale... I..." he started, barely whispering it. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Finally, he could get up. Mechanically his muscles moved towards his crying partner. It felt so wrong to reach out for him now. Touching him felt like spoiling him. Like an even bigger betrayal than his silence. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"I am sorry." He managed to get out of his dry throat. At first, it had felt wrong to touch him. Once he had placed a hand on his shoulder, he needed to pull him into his arms. Still careful, as if he was worried about shattering him into a thousand pieces. It took a few seconds, when he suddenly felt the angel's hands cling onto him as if his life depended on style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"I... don't want to lose you... Can't you see?" his weak, breathy voice asked, while the blonde hid his face in his chest. "I want you to feel as happy as you make me feel, every day... since the very beginning." He whispered style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"Oh angel..." Crowley answered, sounding sadder than ever. Slowly he reached out and pulled up his chin. The warmth of his skin, the warmth of his hand pressed against his ice-cold skin, made him worry even more. Usually his boyfriend was never cold, sometimes freezing, but never cold. He didn't loose any more time. "You make me happy..." he promised him, while their eyes finally met again. Those brown orbs filled with so much pain caused his heart to get pierced by hot nails. Nearly he had gasped for air. "Without you... I would have already bathed in holy water... believe me." He admitted in a dark tone. "I can't express in words how happy you make me... And... I am so sorry..." his voice cracked. Expressing his feelings had never been his strength. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"Then... why are you keeping secrets from me? Why are you torturing yourself in front of me?" Aziraphale asked full of misunderstanding for his behavior. He bit his bottom lip, for preventing more tears to fall. He looked up into the yellow; sorrow filled eyes of his style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"I am not... I am not torturing myself in front of you!" Crowley defended himself, while shaking his head. Secretly he wasn't sure if he wasn't lying through his teeth. "Not anyone can be happy all the time. That's it. I am simply not a happy-go-lucky person. I am a bloody demon." He contradicted, while his thumbs wiped away his style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"I know you're a demon. And I am an angel, I can sense if someone is captured in grief." Aziraphale contradicted, compulsorily leaning into his touch anyway. Finally, the burning of his eyes decreased. Rage and Angst mixed, causing him to feel disappointment instead. "Crowley. Can't you see, I am begging you..." he made a last attempt to make his boyfriend open style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Those words caused Crowley to wince, as if someone had ripped his wings out. His tongue was refusing to speak. In his head, he couldn't find the right words. Whenever he found an explanation, the past got in the way. It was insane. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Centuries ago, they had doomed him for keeping the ones he loved save... now they were dooming him to hurt them. Bastards...br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"Aziraphale..." he whispered, pulling him back into a tight hug. He couldn't bear to look into his eyes right now. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /First promise style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"You are right." He confessed, all of sudden. His hands caressed over his lover's back comfortingly. "I have been hiding and torturing myself due to the past... But..." he stopped, he felt like vomiting his heart out with these words. "But you are not the one to help me with that. In fact, you're the last one; I want to get involved in this." He managed to get out, feeling the heart of his lover shatter in his hold, since his entire body was rocked by those words. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"Why... Tell me... why?" his angel whispered in defeat. His body became more and more numb. The coldness spread, freezing his nerves. Still the shivering of his muscles increased. "I don't need someone to watch over me... I can do that on my own!" he insisted, hoping to change the demon's mind. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"I know, angel. That's not the reason." Crowley cut him off, since those begs only increased both of their suffering. "The reason is... entirely unrelated to our relationship. I promise you." He tried to calm him down. Right now, he needed to retreat. He was so overwhelmed with all of this. He felt like exploding at any second. "I just need to... to solve this on my own." He begged style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"On your own? What about "our side"?" Aziraphale asked, tears daring to roll down his cheeks once style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"Some things can only be fixed by one person." Crowley replied in a bitter tone, while trying to distance himself from him. His angel was only clinging tighter onto his shirt, when he noticed that. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"No... No... Crowley! You can..." he stuttered out, close to sobbing once again. br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Now or never; the demon thought. Carefully he removed his hands from the fabric of his shirt. He would give in under another crushing sob. "No! I will solve this on my own. I am sorry." He replied, in a rather strict one. "Don't wait for me tonight." He added, while his legs carried him out of the style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /"Crowley! Don't you dare to leave!" Aziraphale yelled after him, desperately, but also angrily. "This is not... We can find a solution together. OUR side can find a solution. Please..." his usually soft voice cracked, like his heart. Sobs were replacing his style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /The walk to the door was worse than walking over holy ground. No war, no punishment by neither heaven nor hell had ever hurt the demon so much than this. Expect for one thing... seeing the bookshop on fire. He needed to protect the bookshop now. That's why he was leaving... br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /Some things needed to be faced directly. Even if that meant to face his Satan himself. /p  
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